Suicide - sometimes pulling up your bootstraps doesn’t make a difference…
So many posts about Robin Williams. Another brilliant mind taken before their time.
Depression is not something you can shake off. Bipolar illness is not something you can catch. The claws of terror and desperation dig deep into our brains. Into our souls. It’s a daily battle. Some days are more peaceful than others. But sometimes the pain becomes overwhelming, and the idea of another tomorrow, and then another, and then another, a tommorow that was just like today, become crippling and sadly, almost always fatal.
Suicide, just like mental illness, carries a gigantic stigma. It is the diseased deformed white elephang in the room. Those who survive these attempts are branded as freaks, unstable, are feared and are shunned. We have been called self centered, egotistical, selfish. It’s not an act born of narcissism, it’s an act grown from years of panic, fear and unrelenting suffering.
The only way i can describe depression is that it is the cancer of the mind that has no cure.
Inspired by a brave fellow warrior, I too come forth and say that it’s by the grace of god that I am still alive today. During the darkest periods of my life, I tried to commit suicide countless times. Each time was more lethal and more impulsive than the last. It was not for lack of trying. My very last step was to find a loaded gun and turn it on myself.
I was that desperate.
I was that ready to die.
Over the years I’ve lost many dear friends to suicide. Watching lives cut short, leaving a legacy of unrealized dreams behind, along with shattered lives of those left to pick up the peices, the lives that will never be the same.
Perhaps being open about this will cause some people to roll their eyes, keep a distance or run for the hills, friends/acquaintances to fall away, but I can’t help but re live and remember those final moments before I had made my decision to die, and the absolutely horrific suffering such a beautiful and gentle soul like Robin Williams went through and the huge hole of sadness he has left in the hearts of so many.
I share this video I made after my breakdown because people need to know what this desperation feels like - but most importantly, that despite the tragedy here is hope.
There really is.
I am living proof.
Today, another angel got his wings.
Rest in peace Mr. Williams oxoxo
Mind led body
to the edge of the precipice.
They stared in desire
at the naked abyss.
If you love me, said mind,
take that step into silence.
If you love me, said body,
turn and exist.
—Anne Stevenson (via observando)
Perfect. Simply perfect.
I would have used this at the end of my film…
We are all the fools of time and terror: Days
Steal on us and steal from us; yet we live,
Loathing our life, and dreading still to die.
—George Gordon Byron (via observando)
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Fact submitted by: bonjourtammy
Anonymous asked: Can anyone with a creative outlet like this be bored ?
Not bored, but lonely…
You have played,
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
So am I.
—e.e. cummings (via observando)
So am I…